We all react differently when we hear the
doctor tell us, “We found a tumor that we want to have a look at as fast as
possible.”
“Oh ok,” I thought. That makes sense as to why I have been
totally drained in energy, dragging my feet and crying a lot. My muscles had started to become weaker and
weaker again. Asking for someone to carry
the laundry basket downstairs sounded strange to my ears: A very strong woman that lifted the world on
her shoulders, who survived so much in life. Now, apparently, she has to survive again.
“It cannot be that my spirit chose a short life
to inhabit,” I thought to myself as I
drove home. Me, who loves life more than
anything.
My children are my life. Because of them, I am constantly in love.
“Universe, this cannot be correct, right?” I have just started my journey. I still have so many projects to finish ---
and to start. I have so many good-night
kisses to give and to get.
Ah… nah! Of course I am going to survive this
challenge. I have so much left in me. And for me.
The next moment, while I am finishing drinking my
tea, I think of those people who don’t enjoy life, and so fervently want to end
it. Please come to me, I will change places
with you!
What am I thinking?! Stop this conversation in my head.
If you have to talk, talk beautiful to me, I try to tell my brain.
If you have to talk, talk beautiful to me, I try to tell my brain.
Yet again, I have to change things in my life. Ok, let me see if Amazon has some great books
that can teach me more about changing my diet. But I cannot eat! I haven’t been eating much for over one month.
2 avocados and some crackers each day, two
liters of water, some green tea. It doesn’t seem like much at all. And I am not losing weight, which should be good,
right?
My children don’t know every thing that is
going on with my health, and I want it that way. Of course they see and they have an amazing
ability to read my eyes. Some days I
need to take a one-hour rest. Some days
they understand this and let me rest. Some
days they are as frustrated as I can be in my own head. “Mom, you always take a nap!” Guilty, feelings wash over me, so I try to do
resting while sitting up instead.
I do the meditation, and I try to stay
positive. The hardest for me --- and where I fail the most --- is towards my
husband. He battles his owns demons and
frustrations, and he is from a background where he was tought a different way
of thinking, feeling and emoting. To
those who don’t know him, he can come off cold and uncaring. At my low points, I forget the real him I
have seen and fell in love with, and start to think he doesn’t care. But of course he does.
Yesterday after I got the news from the doctor,
I laughed. And yes, I actually laughed
when I read my husband’s text while sitting in the waiting room: “I am having such a bad cough,” he texted.
A cold for him is, “I am dying! Take me seriously!”
Quickly, I noticed a different thinking wash
into my mind: I need more humor in my
life. Maybe that is why some patients
with serious illness make sarcastic, ironic, tragically funny jokes. People around them can’t understand their
ability to make light of their situation.
These people don’t realize it is not only an ability to affect “gallows
humor,” it is a necessity. They can’t
let the disease take that from them, so they don’t.
My doctor didn’t think I was very funny when I
handed him an AWL flyer with our work --- a happy Hospice, the team and me. I
gave it to him so that maybe he could understand what kind of person I am, and
maybe it make him want to work harder to cure me. I want my life back!
He was impressed when he heard about our hospice
for seniors. I nodded “yes” in
agreement, and my eyes got the sparkle.
“Maybe should go down and become a Hospice patient,” I said, “it seems
like the dogs we bring in get healed quicker than I do.”
It was a joke, but to the serious Professor, it
probably sounded quiet stupid.
Oh well, lets take care of the time and do
something useful now.
As a woman and mother I am
determined to get my life back.
The bells ring, the bugle
calls. Time to start the fight!
That’s Fighting Amore!
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